The Unique Minds of Our Children: A Deeper Look at Neurodiversity

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11 min read

If standard parenting advice sounds like it's from another planet, and you already know which lighting calms your child and which irritates them - that's a sign you're already learning about your child's neurodiversity.

You're starting to notice things others might ignore: that your child processes information differently, that some situations stimulate them while others completely overwhelm them. What looks like stubbornness, laziness, or lack of discipline to someone else might be your little one's way of coping with environmental chaos.

What is neurodiversity? It's an approach that encompasses autism, ADHD, and various unique ways people experience the world. More and more parents are discovering that their children's behaviours make sense - you just need to look deeper. You're learning new concepts like sensory processing and seeing that many "difficult behaviours" are actually non-obvious adaptations to challenging conditions. It's a shared journey - we and our children learn in parallel.

If you're raising a neurodivergent child outside your home country, daily life becomes even more complex. Different language, different social norms, and education systems can mean your child's behaviour is misinterpreted. It's worth being aware of these cultural differences - while nurturing your own family rituals and values. What one culture sees as lack of discipline, another might view as a sign of autonomy. By seeking balance between "old" and "new," you help your child build a healthy sense of identity - and find their place in both worlds.

Here's a deeper look at this topic...

Don't fix, understand

We start with a perspective shift: neurodiversity isn't a flaw that needs "fixing," but a different way of being in the world. Modern neuroscience sheds new light on these differences. Autistic brains show increased connectivity in certain areas, resulting in enhanced perceptual functioning - intense focus on details and favorite topics. It's not just a fascination with dinosaurs - it's a unique way of processing reality.

With ADHD, research published in BPS (2022), shows these brains function differently regarding dopamine. The result? Divergent thinking - the ability to create unconventional solutions. That pillow fort in the living room isn't just play - it's an exercise in creativity and spatial planning.

Many children experience more than one of these neurotypes - comorbidity affects 50-70% of neurodivergent people. This means unique combinations of traits that make your child one-of-a-kind - and that's before their first breakfast.

How your child's brain really works

For many parents, entering the world of neurodiversity feels like assembling IKEA furniture without instructions in your native language - lots of guessing, plenty of chaos.

When a child has a "meltdown" in a store, it's not malice but nervous system overload: too much noise, lights, and stimuli all at once. It's like a computer crash - the brain can't keep up and shuts down to protect itself.

Children with ADHD experience emotions at full intensity because their emotional regulation system is still maturing (which happens around the age of 20). They're not overreacting - their brain is simply running at maximum capacity. When you understand it's about neurology, not bad behaviour, perspective changes: instead of asking "why won't they calm down?" you think "what do they need?"

What helps

Stay calm - your energy makes a huge difference
Reduce sensory input (dimmed lights and quiet, help)
Don't explain during meltdowns - wait for calm
Ensure safety and go through it together
Talk later when emotions have settled

Your child isn't deliberately causing problems - they HAVE problems! And in this situation, you are their best support.

Building self-worth

Neurodivergent children often have lower self-esteem because they feel "different" and function in a world designed for neurotypicals. The key is focusing on their strengths - notice what they're brilliant at and talk about it loudly. Long-term concentration, precision, curiosity, energy, or ability to handle difficult situations are real advantages or talents, not "difficult behaviours."

Instead of only praising results, appreciate the process: perseverance, creativity, self-regulation. Small successes, like learning to tie shoes or calmly leaving the playground, build confidence and prepare them for future challenges.

Self-worth grows when children can use their natural gifts. It's important not to try "fixing" their brain, but helping them understand how it works and celebrating it. When a child discovers that intense focus is a superpower, they start developing their own strategies instead of fighting them.

Research from the UK shows that peer mentoring between neurodivergent students is exceptionally effective - younger children learn from older ones who share experiences and their own methods. This belonging strengthens self-esteem and reduces the feeling of "being different."

Give your child a chance to be an expert too - not just a recipient of help. Let them teach siblings how to organise a closet or explain why mathematics is beautiful. This builds their sense of value and autonomy.

Children who develop positive neurodivergent identity feel better and have higher self-esteem. Give them real influence over decisions - from homework order to arranging toys in their room or choosing a movie. When they have control, they learn to trust themselves and their choices, their instincts. Your child isn't broken. They need a chance to discover how capable they are.

Language of acceptance

The words we use greatly influence how neurodivergent children see themselves. Moving from deficit-focused language ("has difficulties," "can't do") to more neutral, strength-based language ("experiences differently," "needs support") - we not only become more loving but change how they see themselves and the world.

Positive perception of one's neurodivergent identity protects mental health. It's not about ignoring challenges, but how we describe them. Language builds understanding and acceptance or - unconsciously - reinforces shame and doubt. Many autistic adults prefer to openly speak of themselves as "autistic people," treating autism as an integral part of themselves. Each family chooses their own path, though - the intention behind words matters more than the specific choice.

Speaking of differences instead of defects and needs instead of problems, we create a space where children can be proud of who they are instead of apologising for themselves. Be aware that your words become their inner voice - now and for years to come. It will either be a "critic" or "voice of limitations," or a "supportive friend." What do you choose? It's a great responsibility, but also a privilege.

Language of emotions

As you know, neurodivergent children often experience emotions very intensely - it's like having a Ferrari engine with bicycle brakes. Their feelings are colossal, yet their ability to understand and express them is still developing. Again: teaching emotional skills isn't about "fixing" behaviour, but helping the child trust their rich inner world.

Children with autism or ADHD often have difficulty recognising emotions, making intense feelings confusing and frightening - like a hurricane when you don't know terms for phenomena like "wind" or "rain." Building emotional vocabulary creates a map of their emotions: anger might be warmth in the chest, anxiety butterflies in the stomach, and excitement buzzing energy in hands.

It's like an early warning system. When a child recognises physical symptoms of emotions, they can apply coping strategies before they become overwhelming or unbearable. It also teaches them to trust their own body. It's important to first acknowledge their experiences without automatically wanting to fix the approaching storm. A simple comment "I understand, this must be difficult" teaches that how they feel is real, important, and worth staying with - it doesn't need immediate elimination.

Acknowledging emotions doesn't mean agreeing with all behaviours, but accepting the reality of the child's experience, even if it's uncomfortable for both them and you.

What you can do today

Help build emotional language: "I see you're upset" or "this looks like frustration"
Teach noticing feelings in the body: ask "where do you feel that anger?" or "what does excitement feel like in your body?"
First validate, then seek solutions: "oh, this must be very difficult for you, but I'm here if you need me" can be stronger than any advice
Show that emotions are valuable messengers. Anger at injustice is a developing moral compass, fear is healthy caution, etc.

Some days will be difficult, but remember: you're not just managing behaviour, you're also helping a unique being understand themselves better. This is one of the most important roles we play in a child's life, regardless of what they're like.

Practical magic

As a parent, you probably need tools to help your child navigate daily life with more confidence and less unnecessary stress. The good news is that for neurodivergent children - the most effective strategies are the simplest ones, backed by research!

For example: visual daily schedules. Research confirms their effectiveness with autistic children - they increase predictability and support communication. It could be a picture board, an app, or sticky notes on the mirror - what matters is that the child knows what to expect. This predictability calms the nervous system and allows better preparation for changes.

Routines also positively change brain chemistry - they increase serotonin levels (the feel-good hormone) and lower cortisol (stress hormone). The key is "structured flexibility": maintaining basic routines (like bedtime) with space for spontaneity and small changes that teach that life can be unpredictable. This builds resilience without creating rigid frameworks.

Movement and sensory breaks are neurological necessities, not distractions. Allowing children to fidget, use fidget toys, or jump supports the brain, especially the prefrontal cortex responsible for focus and self-regulation. Research shows that just 10 minutes of moderate movement improves responses to attention-requiring tasks.

These methods work with your child's brain but don't try to change it. Visual plans provide predictability, flexible routines offer security, and movement breaks respect natural needs. They don't require expensive equipment, just patience and willingness to understand.

Remember, every child is different. What works for one might not work for another, and that's normal. We're not aiming for perfection but progress - actions that help your child feel more confident, calmer, and better able to cope with the world.

Masking: the invisible cost of fitting in

Imagine every conversation you have is a scene from a play where you're trying to fit a role you don't understand. This is daily life for many neurodivergent children and adults practicing "masking" - suppressing their natural reactions to appear "typical."

Masking is a set of strategies aimed at hiding neurological differences - like forced eye contact, suppressing stims (self-regulatory behaviours), copying social reactions, or pretending to understand situations. Often it's to avoid stigmatisation.

Children learn masking instinctively - they quickly notice their spontaneous behaviours are deemed "weird" and start hiding them. At school they might seem "fine," but after returning home they experience emotional breakdowns. This is the effect of exhaustion from a full day of pretending.

Understanding masking changes how we view neurodiversity. Instead of praising children for "fitting in," we should:

Recognise masking - if a child is exhausted after school, loses interests, or changes personality, this might signal they're hiding their true self
Create safe spaces - home should be where children can freely stim, express their passions and needs without judgment
Support authenticity - instead of suppressing behaviours, understand them as healthy coping strategies
Teach distinction - help children recognise the difference between conscious adaptation and forced self-hiding

Masking isn't a sign of strength - it's the price children pay for acceptance, from an environment they organically crave. It's up to us, adults, whether they can stop performing and simply be authentic.

Common pitfalls (and how to avoid them)

Parenting a neurodivergent child is constant learning. Stumbles are a natural part of this journey. Here are the most common mistakes:

Measuring children by "your standards." One of the most common errors is comparing your child's stages to textbook milestones. Meanwhile, neurodivergent children develop asynchronously - they might excel in one area while needing more time in another. This isn't a deficit but an individual rhythm.
Therapy overload. In concern for your child's wellbeing, it's easy to fall into this trap by enrolling them in many different interventions at once. However, practice shows less means more: a few well-matched therapies that work together will give better results than chaos from seven uncoordinated actions.
Neglecting yourself. This is an aspect talked about too little. Research shows parents of neurodivergent children experience chronic stress comparable to soldiers on missions. Despite this, we often push our own needs to the back burner. Small tip: mindfulness programmes reduce stress, anxiety, and depression in parents of children on the autism spectrum. They don't change the child's behaviour, but they change YOUR ability to respond with greater calm. Remember, your wellbeing matters not only for you or the rest of the family, but also for your child.

Navigating the British system: your path through the support maze

If you feel overwhelmed by the British support system for neurodivergent children - that's understandable. It's a complex process, but there are ways to navigate it more smoothly while staying calm.

Waiting times: prepare for a marathon. NHS diagnostic processes are free but often lengthy. ADHD assessment can take from 5 weeks (London) to... 5 years (Belfast). On average: 18 months-3 years, with autism diagnosis usually taking longer. Not because your child is less important - but because demand exceeds capacity: sometimes 170 referrals monthly for 16 possible assessments!
The Education, Health and Care Plan (EHCP): passport to educational support. EHCP is a legal document guaranteeing support for your child. The process should formally take 20 weeks, but only half of local authorities meet this deadline. It's a lot of bureaucracy, but provides real protection - schools must comply with this document.
Financial support: more than just money. DLA for children ranges from £29.20 to £110.40 weekly for care, plus up to £77.05 for mobility. Carer's Allowance (£83.30/week) is available to carers spending min. 35 hours weekly with a child receiving DLA. From 2025 you can earn up to £196 weekly and still receive it - a big step toward combining work with care. This isn't charity - it's recognition of real costs and effort.
Language barriers: your right to support. Migrant families face more difficulties - mainly through language and cultural differences. You have the right to the translated materials or an interpreter - don't hesitate to ask. This isn't a favour, it's the system's obligation.

Here are concrete steps you can take:

Start as early as possible - time works against you
Document everything - every conversation, report, symptom
Seek community - other parents are invaluable sources of support
Ask for interpreters - it's your right!
Don't do it alone - local organisations are on your side

Local support gems - Sandwell:

Sandwell Parents Voices United - parent group supporting each other. Independent from authorities, organising morning meetings, information sessions, and offering understanding conversations.
Autism West Midlands - training, 1:1 meetings, morning coffees, themed workshops (including toilet training, behaviour management). They combine individual and group support.
SENDIASS Sandwell - independent service run by Barnardo’s. They explain legal complexities and support school contacts. They work locally, and know Sandwell realities.
Short Breaks Service - care giving parents respite and activities tailored to neurodivergent children's needs. It's not that you can't cope - it's that you deserve a breather.
Sandwell Family Information Service - a catalogue of local family services.

You don't need to know the system - you just need to know people who know it. You're not asking for special treatment - you're using methods created to help families just like yours. And you have every right to that.

You don't have to be perfect. Your child doesn't have to be either. What you really need is acceptance, understanding, and tailored support - and that's exactly what research shows.

Every family's path is different. Yours isn't among the easiest, and often, especially at the beginning, you worry everything will fall apart. Yet - it's precisely this seemingly chaotic start that leads to extraordinary strength and resilience.

Science is clear: 2-year-olds start building self-awareness, and 5-year-olds notice differences between themselves and others. When neurodivergent children get the chance to develop positive self-worth, they grow stronger - becoming more confident, communicating better, and boldly pursuing their goals.

But the key isn't pretending difficulties don't exist, but giving your child a clear signal: "you're not defined by your challenges, you're important, valuable, unique - exactly as you are."

Embracing neurodiversity not only strengthens children but enriches all of society. Because the world truly needs all types of minds

Sources:

Chapman, L., Lawson, W. and MacLennan, K. (2023). "I feel like myself again": Experiences of masking and mental health in autistic adults. Autism & Developmental Language Impairments, 8, pp. 1-15.
Hull, L. (2024). Neurodivergent young people: Understanding masking and developing interventions. Elizabeth Blackwell Institute for Health Research, University of Bristol. Available at: https://www.bristol.ac.uk/blackwell/news/2024/neurodivergent-young-people.html
Crompton, C.J., Fotheringham, F., Cebula, K., Webber, C., Foley, S. and Fletcher-Watson, S. (2024). Peer support in school, designed and delivered by neurodivergent people: A feasibility and acceptability study of the Neurodivergent Empowerment and Support Toolkit (NEST). Autism & Developmental Language Impairments, 9, pp. 1-16.
Liang, Z., Lee, D., Zuo, J. and Liang, S. (2024). Using visual daily schedules to increase academic task-related behaviors in individuals with autism: A literature review. International Journal of Developmental Disabilities, pp. 1-14.
Children's Commissioner for England (2024). Waiting times for assessment and support for autism, ADHD and other neurodevelopmental conditions. London: Children's Commissioner for England. Available at: https://www.childrenscommissioner.gov.uk/resource/waiting-times-for-assessment-and-support-for-autism-adhd-and-other-neurodevelopmental-conditions/